Twitter Reviews

8/15/09

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I'm watching this film, because I vaguely remember the cheesy video cover from when I was a kid, but never got to see the film. Now it's playing on MGM-HD, with the film's descripition reading - A detective and doctor tie rapes to bug-eyed aliens who are posing as humans in order to multiply. Sounds too hilarious to pass up.

Opening few minutes
- A prostitute leaves a taxi cab in a bad part of town, she's followed by a mysterious man, who turns out to be an old German guy, walking his little dog. They talk for a moment, before the guy falls to the ground clutching his chest. Suddenly his hand transforms into something monstrous, the girl just stares, until he grabs her leg, rips her dress open, then carries her off screaming.

4 - 8 min. - The most unconvincing movie doctor and the most unconvincing movie detective I've probably ever seen. Quite the impressive feat, considering they're in the same scene together.

8 min. - The detective just told the mangled and barely conscious prostitute: "You're not dead, you're alive, and if you're alive, then you can remember what happened." - The doctor stands there knowingly, like that's good advice.

11 - The doctor goes over the case-loads of 5 other women this has happened to. Apparently they were all virgins. Now I'm confused... the girl who I thought was a hooker, was in fact just the sluttiest looking virgin in history.

12 min - Super cheesy montage of a girl modeling a bikini.

13 min. - Cocaine and nude aerobics! - The camera lingers on the model's nude body while ear-numbing synth music plays... when did this turn into a porno?

15 min. - The photographer walks in on the girl lying nude in the studio, suddenly his chest bursts open and he starts to change into something else. The make-up effects are actually pretty well done. I'm guessing this girl is supposed to be a virgin as well, but what kind of virgin snorts coke and lounges about nude in public places?

24 - As a homeless woman gets attacked by a rubber-faced alien, I'm looking up filmmaker Tim Kincaid on IMDb. He's directed 44 films in his career, not a single one of them have I even heard of besides this one. A lot of them sound suspiciously like porn, with titles like Joe Gage Sex Files Vol. 3 and Gale Force: Mens Room II. Although Robot Holocaust sounds awfully promising. (Emphasis on the awful.)

29 - I always get undressed in my kitchen.

32 - "Enough to know that I want you to bear my children." - Is what the guy tells the girl who's naked in her kitchen, after she finds him watching her and asks him what he's seen. Of course he's one of the aliens... yeah, just stand there and scream honey, don't try to run, that would make too much sense.

38 - Don't any women in New York run when they see an alien?

40 - Oh god, the teenage orderly has a crush on the virgin-hooker... and now he's discovered that all the women attacked have returned to normal, at least on the outside that is.

45 - Virgin-hooker is awake and just stabbed the orderly in the gut with a knife, and is now roaming the hospital corridors nude.

52 - The alien stopped a human rapist, so maybe he's not so bad after-all... ok, never mind.

55 - There isn't a girl in this film who hasn't taken her shirt off within the first 30 seconds of appearing on screen. (That's not a complaint.)

60 min - The detective and doctor have followed the nude model into the depths of New York subways system, where she meets up with the rest of the girls, who are all skinny dipping in some sort of pulsating alien hot-tub.

62 - Now some random hospital worker, who's also followed along, is explaining the whole alien plot and why they need virgins to reproduce.

65 - This!
67 - The detective and doctor stand by slack-jawed as the hospital assistant slowly mutates into one of the aliens. They don't bother to react until it finally goes on the attack.

70 - Now the nude girls writhe about in the alien hot tub, while the doc and dick painfully work out a plan to stop the aliens dastardly plans.

72 - Naked lady stew!

74 - Wow... this movie was exceptionally bad, while also being eminently watchable, with its terrible acting, some of the worst ever committed to film, painful dialog, and more believable human interaction found in porno films. But the crazy plot, gory effects, and boobs being exposed every 3 to 4 minutes, keep the film entertaining. If you're into bad movies, this is a gem.

5 Responses to Breeders (Live Review):

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  1. I love this cover ALMOST as much as the Chopping Mall cover. Remember that one? Classic. Almost as classic as Condorman, haha. I haven't seen Breeders yet but I'm doing this 31 Days of Horror October marathon for He Shot Cyrus and I just might have to include this one. (God, that sounded like a plug which I swear it's not). Also, my experience New York women has proven that they aren't scared of anything, no matter what planet they're from.

  1. I remember the time when I used to watch films like Breeders with glee, God knows how many hours of my life I wasted on films like Xtro, CHUD, RoboNinja and the like... maybe I am getting too old to suffer the indignity of bad acting and cheesey plot lines so I would like to thank you Ross for saving me any more pain and heartache by keeping the torch burning :)

    absolutely random

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  1. Ew!!

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