Breeders (Live Review)

I'm watching this film, because I vaguely remember the cheesy video cover from when I was a kid, but never got to see the film. Now it's playing on MGM-HD, with the film's descripition reading - A detective and doctor tie rapes to bug-eyed aliens who are posing as humans in order to multiply. Sounds too hilarious to pass up.

Opening few minutes - A prostitute leaves a taxi cab in a bad part of town, she's followed by a mysterious man, who turns out to be an old German guy, walking his little dog. They talk for a moment, before the guy falls to the ground clutching his chest. Suddenly his hand transforms into something monstrous, the girl just stares, until he grabs her leg, rips her dress open, then carries her off screaming.

4 - 8 min. - The most unconvincing movie doctor and the most unconvincing movie detective I've probably ever seen. Quite the impressive feat, considering they're in the same scene together.

8 min. - The detective just told the mangled and barely conscious prostitute: "You're not dead, you're alive, and if you're alive, then you can remember what happened." - The doctor stands there knowingly, like that's good advice.

11 - The doctor goes over the case-loads of 5 other women this has happened to. Apparently they were all virgins. Now I'm confused... the girl who I thought was a hooker, was in fact just the sluttiest looking virgin in history.

12 min - Super cheesy montage of a girl modeling a bikini.

13 min. - Cocaine and nude aerobics! - The camera lingers on the model's nude body while ear-numbing synth music plays... when did this turn into a porno?

15 min. - The photographer walks in on the girl lying nude in the studio, suddenly his chest bursts open and he starts to change into something else. The make-up effects are actually pretty well done. I'm guessing this girl is supposed to be a virgin as well, but what kind of virgin snorts coke and lounges about nude in public places?

24 - As a homeless woman gets attacked by a rubber-faced alien, I'm looking up filmmaker Tim Kincaid on IMDb. He's directed 44 films in his career, not a single one of them have I even heard of besides this one. A lot of them sound suspiciously like porn, with titles like Joe Gage Sex Files Vol. 3 and Gale Force: Mens Room II. Although Robot Holocaust sounds awfully promising. (Emphasis on the awful.)

29 - I always get undressed in my kitchen.

32 - "Enough to know that I want you to bear my children." - Is what the guy tells the girl who's naked in her kitchen, after she finds him watching her and asks him what he's seen. Of course he's one of the aliens... yeah, just stand there and scream honey, don't try to run, that would make too much sense.

38 - Don't any women in New York run when they see an alien?

40 - Oh god, the teenage orderly has a crush on the virgin-hooker... and now he's discovered that all the women attacked have returned to normal, at least on the outside that is.

45 - Virgin-hooker is awake and just stabbed the orderly in the gut with a knife, and is now roaming the hospital corridors nude.

52 - The alien stopped a human rapist, so maybe he's not so bad after-all... ok, never mind.

55 - There isn't a girl in this film who hasn't taken her shirt off within the first 30 seconds of appearing on screen. (That's not a complaint.)

60 min - The detective and doctor have followed the nude model into the depths of New York subways system, where she meets up with the rest of the girls, who are all skinny dipping in some sort of pulsating alien hot-tub.

62 - Now some random hospital worker, who's also followed along, is explaining the whole alien plot and why they need virgins to reproduce.

65 - This!
67 - The detective and doctor stand by slack-jawed as the hospital assistant slowly mutates into one of the aliens. They don't bother to react until it finally goes on the attack.

70 - Now the nude girls writhe about in the alien hot tub, while the doc and dick painfully work out a plan to stop the aliens dastardly plans.

72 - Naked lady stew!

74 - Wow... this movie was exceptionally bad, while also being eminently watchable, with its terrible acting, some of the worst ever committed to film, painful dialog, and more believable human interaction found in porno films. But the crazy plot, gory effects, and boobs being exposed every 3 to 4 minutes, keep the film entertaining. If you're into bad movies, this is a gem.

An open letter to those that oppose Obama's health plan

(Way off the topic of movies, but I'm sick of being quiet about this.)

Proverbs 14:31 “He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.”

What is wrong with you America? You propose to be a Christian country, but you care nothing about the poor who can't afford insurance. I believe if Jesus actually came back, you wouldn't listen to what he had to say, and would instead protest his ideas as being "liberal". You people are all about saving the "unborn" but once they're actually in the world, its screw them, everyone for themselves. How many uninsured children's lives could be saved with this plan?

I can't even begin to understand your train of thought. How does Obama's proposing another option for those who can't afford insurance really affect you? It's not socialized medicine, it's simply another option. America is not going to turn communist because our President wants to help the poor... is that what you really believe? Dig deep and really think about it. Are you simply opposed because he's a "liberal" president?

Psalm 140:12 “I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy.”

If you want your insurance keep it and shut the hell up. Let those that can't afford it have a shot at theirs. Quit living in the dark ages and let the country move forward. This is what the country needs.

Stop believing everything that Fox News tells you. You don't think they have money to make off all of this? They're just another corporation, that wants to keep you scared, therefore under their control, and easier to manipulate. You're buying right into their thinking and keeping medicine in the insurance companies (i.e. corporations) control and much more expensive than it needs to be. They profit off our ignorance. How is it Christian to fight for corporations?

Where were you when the Government was giving away trillions to bail out the corporations that caused Amercia's economic collapse? I hardly heard a peep, while our taxes were going away to the rich thieves that laughed at our stupidity. But now that Obama wants to spend less than a 10th of that to support our citizens, there's an uproar. Why is it okay to bail out those that knowingly wronged the economic system, but we punish those that dare to be poor and sick in this country?

Another thing, what's with all hypocritical arguments from Republicans... one minute they're talking about how health care will be run like the DMV, and there will be longs lines and endless bureaucracy. Then the next minute they're talking about how the the private insurers won't be able to compete with the Gov run health care and everyone will move to the Gov. version. Which one is it? It can't be both.

If this is truly a free market system, than private health care, should be able to withstand the Gov version by becoming worth the money, offering better service at lower prices. I don't want there to be only one option, I want the to be more and better options. What the hell could possibly be wrong with that?

My family pays over $400 a month for insurance, we're all healthy, none of us have had more than the flu in the last 5 years. God forbid one of us actually gets really sick, I'd hate to see how much it costs us then. I'm thinking about the families that can't afford the $400 (or more) a month and how much it costs them when they do get sick. If we all stopped paying our insurance bills and instead paid a bit more in taxes, do you really think it would cost $400 a month in taxes? There's simply no way. Imagine how much we could save with a Government run option? And not have the fear that our financial lives will be destroyed if one of us has the audacity to go and get sick.

I'm sure you'll simply ignore this post as a liberal rant, but truly think about what you're fighting. You only look at the smallest of details, then find things wrong with the plan, that aren't truly there. Think about your friends, family and neighbors who can't afford good health care. Do you really want to screw them over just because you're scared of change? That's all this is, change... America is not going to turn into France because we want to insure our poor.

WAKE UP and find the truth!

Deuteronomy 15:7 “If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother.”

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Healther Skelter
www.thedailyshow.com

The Wolf Man Mash-up Trailer

I'm getting pretty sick of the all the recent vampire love... I always thought they were a bunch of pussies compared to werewolves. So I'm really looking forward to the latest film of the genre The Wolf Man, starring Benicio Del Toro. With no trailer out, I thought I'd have a crack at creating my first trailer mash-up. I cut clips from a ton of werewolf flicks, like The Howling, American Werewolf in London and Ginger Snaps, some scenes from Benicio's films Che, Things We Lost in the Fire and The Hunted, a couple of clips from the other stars of the films past films, a lot of creative license and here you go:

The state of What I Watched

If you've been following this blog, you've obviously noticed the serious lack of movie reviews this summer. That mostly has to do with my new job. I haven't had the time to write, that I did in the not too distant past. I miss writing, but the few spare moments I have, I don't feel like taxing my brain any further. My 140 word Twitter reviews are about all I can handle. I've had some thoughts and one half started attempt at making some video reviews, because I think I'm a better editor than writer, but again the lack of time has stopped me. I hope that you'll check in once and a while and see if I've posted anything new, I don't plan on letting the site die, I feel like it's merely in state of chrysalis and the site will metamorphosis into something better in the future.

For now please check out DenizenTV - It's the website I've been working for the last 6 months or so. Based in Ashland, Oregon, we've been creating some worth-while projects, doing interviews with interesting people and creating mini-documentaries. I think it's some high quality stuff and I've been doing a good chunk of the editing.

McG, Charlie's Angels & Terminator Salvation

When it was first announced the internet fanboys went balistic that McG was directing a film in this beloved series. With everybody getting a chance to see Terminator Salvation today, I believe that everybody will be singing McG's praises tomorrow. He got written off early because of his goofy name and the cheesiness of his first film Charlie's Angels. But I'd like to be on the record to say that I've been down with the man since day one. I saw the potential in him as a director with Charlie's Angels and I've got the review to prove it. Here's my original review from 2000:

A producer's recipe for a Big Dumb Hollywood movie: Start by coating the pan liberally with a stale TV show. Drop in 1 over-written screenplay, add 3 parts sex-appeal, 2 parts of-the-moment trend, 1 part platinum selling soundtrack and 1 part top-notch special effects, then mix together with the latest video music / commercial director, and bake at 400 for 98 minutes. Finish it off with a nice glaze of high budget ad campaign. End product should yield an average opening gross of 25 million dollars. (Results may vary on subsequent weekends.)

A funny thing happened on the way to the box office for Charlie's Angels, this recipe for usually bland entertainment, turned out to be a delectable treat. Thank you's belong to director McG (short for Joseph McGinty Nichol), who actually knew exactly what kind of movie he was making. McG knew that he wasn't working on the next "Citizen Kane", that he was in-fact making a high budget remake of a cheesy 70's TV show. The movie equally spoofs and celebrates the show it was based on.

Charlie's Angels opens like a new age Scorsese film, with a tracking shot through the Colombia logo, into a jet, up and back down the aisles, then staying with a conversation for a moment, before finally jumping out of the plane with the talkers. Although broken up with camera tricks, it creates quite an impressive opening scene. McG manages to keep up this pace for most of the film. Each scene is a completely different world, we may be in a 50's musical or a back alley kung-fu fight, but we're almost guaranteed to be shown a good time. McG knows the rules of each of these genre's and shoots them accordingly. Unlike so many of the new wave of directors, he knows when to use funky camera angles and slow-motion shots, he doesn't abuse these tricks of the trade.

We're introduced to the Angels via a fun split-screen montage. Natalie (Cameron Diaz) is the fun, girl-next-door type, who kicks butt in an athletic manner. Alex (Lucy Liu) is the refined one, with an elegant fighting style. Dylan (Drew Barymore) is the smokin' in the bathroom, street fightin' babe. Every single scene they are in different clothes or costume. Each girl has their own scenes to shine in; Natalie on stage at Soul Train, Alex as a dominatrix / office efficiency expert, Dylan fights five guys with her hands tied behind her back, the film just goes on like this.

Another major bonus this movie has going for it, is that the important supporting roles are filled by great actors. Bill Murray, who has gone from leading man to character actor in the past few years, turns in a great comedic performance as Bosley, the middle-man between Charlie and the Angels. Alex Knox, the Angels' client is played by Sam Rockwell ("The Green Mile"), he's another character actor who has turned into a scene stealer, with great charisma that jumps off the screen. And without even saying a word Crispin Glover is the creepiest villain of the year, as "The Thin Man".

Story? What story? This film is an excuse to showcase the over-the-top action sequences with the gorgeous girls in their pretty clothes. Haven't you gotten that yet? If you haven't, then you probably won't enjoy this movie.

I've already said it, but I'll say it again, the real star of this film is director McG. Without him, Charlie's Angels would have been another bad TV show remake. He turns what appears to be a pretty weak screenplay, into one fun scene after another. Coming from a music video background, he knows how to set action to music, and the soundtrack turns into another wonderful character. It takes some kind of demented genius to be able to fit Baby Got Back and Turning Japanese into your film perfectly. I look forward with great anticipation to his next film. - Grade: B+